On Optimism

Staying hopeful through the chaos

I have been on an optimistic streak recently. I think it started when I found out my wife and I were having a baby. We weren’t particularly shocked, and we were initially unsure if it was even true. Regardless, shortly after finding out and confirming it with a doctor, I had a sudden increase in motivation. I was determined to go to the gym, organize the house, and build good habits. Along with this, I have felt an optimism that undergirds every thought I have about the world.

I realized this most vividly when my wife and I watched the finale of Season 1 of True Detective. There are spoilers ahead, so if you haven’t watched the show, you have been forewarned. I want to talk about the very end. I was nearly brought to tears by the ending dialogue between Rust and Marty. After Rust describes his brush with the void and the pain of leaving his daughter’s love behind when he awoke, Marty asks Rust about the sky. He asks him to tell him some stories, like he did as a teenager in Alaska. The dialogue continues:

Rust: I’ll tell you, Marty, I’ve been up in that room, looking out those windows every night here. Just thinking…it’s just one story. The oldest.

Marty: What’s that?

R: Light versus dark.

M: Well, I know we ain’t in Alaska, but it appears to me that the dark has a lot more territory.

Marty then acts as Rust’s crutch as they walk towards the car, Rust still in his medical apron. Rust pivots back to the conversation saying:

R: You’re looking at it wrong, at the sky.

M: How’s that?

R: Once there was only dark. If you ask me, the light’s winning.

This quote comes at the end of a season filled with darkness. Darkness both in terms of terribly horrific crimes and of a cover-up. Despite all of that, light was able to shine through, even just a little bit. This scene nearly brought me to tears as I felt that it encapsulated so many of the thoughts I’ve been having regarding history, the present, and the future.

Human history is filled with such moments. It is a story of optimism and overcoming terrible circumstances. I don’t subscribe to the progressive utopic vision of the future, it can assuredly get worse from here. There are too many occurrences to count of this happening, even during already bad times. But despite the worst of the calamities faced by humans — the Black Plague, slavery, the Holocaust, totalitarian communism, the Roman collapse, etc. — we have overcome it all. This idea seems to be ingrained in what it means to be human, to begin with. It is a fundamental piece of some of our oldest stories.

The state of the world leaves a lot to be desired for an optimist right now. It seems like everywhere you turn someone is talking about the downfall of America. Or an impending climate disaster. Or tenuous position of the major global powers. People are becoming more isolated and more lonely. You get the point. Optimism seems like it’s naïve at this current juncture. But I can’t help but feel hopeful that this country will not repeat the previous election. I feel that we will finally have a president who is willing to face problems head-on. A president who is willing to speak the truth about his or her life. One who doesn’t enrich their family on the dime of taxpayers. Americans agree on a great many common sense truths. I feel like there is a need by many in this country to find a person willing to govern by those principles. I hope we can find him or her.

I remember the moment I saw my daughter for the first time. She was just a little bean on the black-and-white screen of the ultrasound monitor. I will never be able to describe the feeling I felt when I first saw that picture. My life changed in that moment. I think that feeling that I had was purpose. True unadulterated purpose. I’ve heard from many people that seeing your baby for the first time changes you. That you have never felt the love you will feel for your child. I will find out for myself soon. As in any-day-now soon.

Perhaps becoming a dad is forcing me to be optimistic. Optimism was thrust upon me by the nature of this newfound purpose. Perhaps it is innately human, perhaps even part of being an animal at all, that this optimism comes from bringing new life into the world. The world needs to get better for my daughter. Maybe that's what is missing for so many: a need to make the world a better place. Not out of ideology, but out of necessity as a species. Perhaps it’s necessary for me to want the world to be a better place for my future children than it was for me. This is not guaranteed. Nothing in life is. But maybe in order to feel better about raising them I need to have hope. I need to look at the positive side of things. Look for the little parts of the world that people seem to be ignoring just to feel comfortable bringing a child into this world. Maybe, all I need is to look for the stars that shine through the sheet of darkness.